Samplings of My Work

Samplings of My Work


Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Wow - It's Been That Long

Over a month has passed since my last post! Time is going by so quick, sometimes you don't even realize how quick.

I noticed that a few of my favorite blogs have slowed down too. Is there something in the air that we're breathing, or something in the water we're drinking? Mine is a combination of things. Most of all missing Leo. Along with some middle age crap in the mix.

I always thought about what it was going to be like the day I would be 'babie-less'. I never imagined how hard it would be to come home to an empty house, to sit in an empty chair, to go to bed to an empty and cold bed. I thought about all the things I would do once I had some 'freedom'. Yeah, right. Who was I kidding? I haven't done diddly squat yet. Because I just don't want to, just don't feel like it, just don't want to deal with people - at all. My crocheting hasn't been a whole lot. I'm so far behind the eight ball I can't see around it. And ya know what? At this point I really don't care. My intentions are good but the actuality falls way short. I don't know what I need but clearly it's something to pull me out of this black hole I've fallen in and don't care if I ever get out again. I'm serious, my attitude right now is awful.

I've also found out that some of my so called 'friends' are not really who I thought they were. This realization is hard to swallow for me because I don't have a lot of close friends. And a few have disappointed me really bad in the last couple of months. I'm the type of friend you'd want. I'm loyal, loving, very giving and have your back when no one else does. But I'm also the type that has a hard time with forgiveness too.

I am leaving in the morning to head to NC to have Thanksgiving with family. First time in over 14 years that I've had a family Thanksgiving. I'm apprehensive about it but in a way looking forward to it. I'm hoping it's going to turn out good. But with my current attitude I'm a little bit pessimistic about it. I know there will be some tears.......probably more than some, probably a lot. And on my part too. I'm hoping to come home with a better attitude but there again, we'll see.

I sometimes feel like I'm all alone in this world with these feelings I have. There's a lot you don't know and I don't care to go into them because I'd be here for a very long time and you'd probably have to get up from your computer shaking your head. I'm sure I'm not the only one with these feelings but it sure feels like it. I know that I have a lot more and am a lot better off than a lot of people right now and that is humbling. But the other creeps back in and takes over. The hooks are deep.

I've lost over 20 pounds, and that in itself is a good thing, because I needed to but not like this, and not because of what's going on, or not going on, in my life. Sigh...........

May your holiday be one of love, laughter and warmth. I'll see you on the other side. Be safe!